Dealing with Grief

Everyone is unique, and we each grieve and mourn a loss in our own special ways. While some might put on a brave face, others are completely overwhelmed.

When someone close to us passes away, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions depending on your relationship to the deceased and the circumstances surrounding their death. In any case, it’s important to understand that experiencing grief is a healthy part of the healing process.

If you have recently lost someone, please accept our sincerest condolences and know that we are here for you.

How does death affect you emotionally?

Death can bring about existential questions and a heightened awareness of mortality, leading to increased anxiety and worry about one's own mortality or the well-being of others. The emotional impact of death can vary greatly depending on the relationship with the deceased, cultural and personal beliefs about death, and previous experiences with loss. Some common emotional responses to death include following five stages:

What Are The 5 Stages of Grief?

The 5 stages of grief can apply to a variety of circumstances including the loss of a close relationship, the death of a valued being (person or animal) or in response to a terminal illness diagnosis. The five stages of grief include: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. They were first proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book Death and Dying.

Each individual is different and may not necessarily experience the 5 stages in the order listed below. To go through the grieving process, you do not need to follow these step by step. Rather, you must use them as a guide to help you move forward. It is important to recognize that you will likely feel these different emotions and try your best to manage them. An important piece to remember regardless of what stage you are in is: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

Denial

When you receive unpleasant news, it’s natural to dismiss it as false. During the first stage of grief, denial occurs as we try to deal with the initial shock of bad news. It’s common to feel numb. This is a temporary response we use to try and block out the initial pain from the news we have just received. When learning the unpleasant news, people tend to become overwhelmed with emotions and try to deny the facts.

Eventually, the denial will begin to fade as you begin to become stronger and heal. It might occur unknowingly as you slowly start to accept the reality of the loss and begin to ask yourself questions and move forward.

Anger

The second stage of grief that people generally experience is anger. While denial helps with the initial shock of receiving unpleasant news, eventually it no longer masks the pain. When denial stops working, the natural response is to turn to anger. The anger response is a result of the vulnerable feeling we go through and is redirected outwards.

Anger is typically directed at others even though we know they are not responsible for the situation. In many cases, the anger is a result of believing the person who has passed away is the one responsible for causing the pain. In reality, we understand how irrational it is to think like that which can then create feelings of guilt.

Bargaining

Eventually, we reach the point of bargaining as a way to try and improve the situation. Bargaining is done in an attempt to try and regain control of the situation. As is often the case, we can be left feeling vulnerable or helpless after a loved one’s passing. The bargaining stage is where we try to stop those feelings.

Secretly people may try to make a deal with God or a higher power in order to postpone the inevitable. Common phrases people have during this stage include:

If only we had sought medical attention earlier…

We should have consulted with another doctor for a second opinion…

I shouldn’t have let them drive in that weather…

Depression

The depression stage usually begins around the time leading up to the funeral service. Typically, it occurs in two distinct parts. The first stage is a reaction to the practical implications of the loss. This can include worrying about paying for the funeral service or wondering if you have planned a meaningful enough service. It is also quite common to feel like you haven’t spent enough time comforting others that depend on us.

The second stage of depression is often more personal and more private. It occurs in the hours leading up to a loved one’s funeral service. As we prepare ourselves to say goodbye, its normal to experience many different emotions and feel uneasy. Sometimes, all you need is a hug and someone to lean on.

Acceptance

The fifth and final stage of grief is acceptance. For some people dealing with a loss, this stage may never be reached. If a loved one’s death was unexpected or sudden, it can be hard for some to ever move past the anger or denial stages. When we finally reach the acceptance stage, it means we have made peace with the situation.

A common misconception is that if you reach acceptance you find happiness. In actuality, the acceptance stage is a phase marked by withdrawal and calm. No matter what situation or stage you are in, it’s important to know that there are people dedicated to helping you grieve. Our caring and compassionate staff can help you through the grieving process with advice and resources.

Full Guide to Coping with Death & Grief

When Grief Doesn't Ease

Sometimes it feels as if your bereavement will never end. You feel as if you’d give anything to have the pain go away; to have the long lonely hours between nightfall and dawn pass without heartache. You are not the only grieving person who has longed for some measure of relief.

In the novel, My Sister’s Keeper, author Jodi Picoult wrote, “There should be a statute of limitations on grief. A rule book that says it is all right to wake up crying, but only for a month. That after 42 days you will no longer turn with your heart racing, certain you have heard her call out your name.”

No such rule book exists. Grief counselors and therapists tell us that the length of time it takes anyone to grieve the loss of someone they held dear to them is dependent on the situation, how attached you were to the deceased, how they died, your age and gender. So many variables exist and there’s absolutely no way to predict how long it will take for you to adapt to your loss.

The Difference Between Normal and Complicated Grief

Research findings have led experts to come up with many differing categories of grief experience ranging from normal to complicated. Normal (or uncomplicated) grief has no timeline and encompasses a range of feelings and behaviors common after loss such as bodily distress, guilt, hostility, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, and the inability to function as one had before the loss. All are normal and present us with profound, and seemingly endless, challenges. Yet, Katherine Walsh says, “Over the course of time, with average social support…most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of these feelings, behaviors, and sensations.”

So, how can you know if your bereavement is no longer within the range of normal? Ms. Walsh goes on to say, “While there is no definitive time period by which this happens, if an individual or members of a family continue to experience distress intensely or for a prolonged period—or even unexpectedly years after a loss—they may benefit from treatment for complicated grief.”

When to Consider Grief Therapy

While grief educators and theorists tell us that a diagnosis of complicated grief should not even be attempted until after the first anniversary of the death, if any one of the following symptomatic clues exists for longer than six months, you may want to consider grief counseling or grief therapy:

You cannot speak of the deceased without experiencing intense and fresh grief long after the loss.
A relatively minor event triggers an intense grief reaction.
Your conversations with others are littered with references to loss. In other words, loss is an ever-present motif in your world view.
You have issues related to your loved one's possessions. Keeping everything the same as before their death could indicate trouble just as tossing out everything right away can also be a clue to disordered mourning. (You also need to factor in your cultural and religious background)
You have developed physical symptoms similar to those of the deceased before their death. Sometimes these symptoms recur annually, on the anniversary of the death, or on holidays. An increased susceptibility to illness or the development of a chronic physical complaint can also be an indicator.
If you have made radical changes to your lifestyle, or excluded friends, family members, or even activities associated with the deceased, it may indicate unresolved grief.
A long history of depression, often marked by guilt or low self-esteem, can reveal disordered mourning. The opposite is also true: a person experiencing a false sense of happiness or elation could be experiencing unresolved grief.
A compulsion to imitate the deceased, in personality or behavior, can be a sign of complicated mourning.
Having self-destructive impulses or exhibiting self-destructive behaviors can be significant. These can range from substance abuse, engaging in self-harm, developing eating disorders and suicidal tendencies.
A sense of unexplained sadness occurring at a certain time each year (holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays) can also be a clue to unresolved grief.
Developing a strong fear about dying, especially when it relates to the illness that took the life of your loved one, is an important clue.
If you have avoided visiting your loved one's grave or if you are still unwilling to discuss the circumstances of their death, this could indicate complications in your bereavement.

There are many types of complicated grief; it can be delayed, masked, exaggerated, or chronic. Self-diagnosis is without purpose. A year after the death, if you feel your grief symptoms worsening, we advise that you seek a referral from your family physician for professional grief counseling or therapy.

A Useful Model for Assessment: Four Tasks of Mourning

There are certain tasks that, when achieved during your bereavement, can successfully allow you to emerge on the other side of loss as a better, stronger, and more resilient individual. James Worden proposed these four tasks:

To accept the reality of the loss
To process the pain of grief
To adjust to a world without the deceased
To find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life

Instead of focusing on your bodily discomforts, feelings, and common behaviors, this model allows you to better see where you may be stuck or stalled in the adaptive process. Fortunately, Worden also gives us a list of indicators advising that "any one of these clues in and of itself may not be sufficient" for a diagnosis of complicated grief. "However," he continues, "any of these…should be taken seriously, and the diagnosis of complicated grief should be considered when they appear."

Everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a profoundly personal experience, and it is crucial to allow yourself the time and space to process your emotions correctly.

Talk To Us.

While the experience of grief can be very isolating, we would like to help you take steps to counter the feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Please don't hesitate to call us should you need additional support. We will do our best to ease your bereavement and, if requested, provide a referral to a local grief counsellor or therapist.

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Sources:

Walsh, Katherine, Grief and Loss: Theories and Skills for the Helping Professions, 2nd Edition, 2012
Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009